To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me! - Jon Stewart
Those fighting to be included in the ideal of equality are not divisive.Those fighting to keep those people out - are. - Jon Stewart
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people. - Jon Stewart
I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance - Jon Stewart
You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning. - Jon Stewart
No one is better at not beating America than England. - Jon Stewart
If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. - Jon Stewart
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams. - Jon Stewart
As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians. (Earth (The Book), p. 36) - Jon Stewart
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church. - Jon Stewart
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. - Jon Stewart
If we amplify everything, we hear nothing. - Jon Stewart
To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak. - Jon Stewart
Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now. - Jon Stewart
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him. - Jon Stewart
I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her. - Jon Stewart
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime. - Jon Stewart
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. - Jon Stewart
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake. - Jon Stewart
Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car. - Jon Stewart
Evil is relatively rare; ignorance is epidemic. - Jon Stewart
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. - Jon Stewart
Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain - Jon Stewart
The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith. - Jon Stewart
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. - Jon Stewart
We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox. - Jon Stewart
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. - Jon Stewart
Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates. - Jon Stewart